Tuesday, October 16, 2007

the musical fruit

I enjoyed a nice back to back trip in the middle seat of a stinky airplane from Austin to San Jose the other day. Balancing out the good karma of my previous ill fated trip below, this time lady luck spun the wheel and landed me next to an old guy who smelled like green onions and insisted on opening his newspaper half across my lap to read it. When he wasn't using me like his personal desk, we has working some serious elbow jabs into my side as he fought to maintain supremacy over both armrests.

Well in the face of this I responded like any rational adult would, mainly by farting towards him as much as possible. Yes, I know its a bit nasty but its one of the few defense mechanisms you have on a plane to get back at your fellow passengers without getting into a fist fight. I had a few that swelled up so large I rose up off the seat, like a happy smurf sitting on a mushroom. In my mind, I was the 'winner'.

All this of course brought back another fond memory of farting on a plane. It was a bumpy ride from New Jersey to Detroit. The plane was mostly empty and several people including myself stretched out to lie longways across the row (I think the FAA allows flight crews to tazer or pepper spray you if you do this nowadays). Unfortunately the guy in front of me was an avid 'sleep farter', which was to mean he was pumping more gas than a freeway service station on Memorial Day. As I lay slowly dying from methane asphyixation, the stewardess came by and noticing the 'issue' deployed a series of 10 coffee filter bags around the offending gas source. They were like mini fart land mines, strewn across the plans seats and floor, and they miraculously contained the stink.

The look on the guys face when he woke up was priceless.

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

lets all go the speed limt

OK so I'm living in Texas for about a month now and feel like I need to vent my frustrations with the seemingly backwards drivers we have around these parts (as they say).

Like most things in life I've been able to group them into convienent groupings, which enables me to direct my rage in a much more organized fashion. So, were anyone else but me actually reading my diatribes, consider this an open letter to the following Texans:

"The Listless Blinker": There is no shortage of people here who drive for miles with their blinker on, hoping one day to change lanes. They tentatively swerve into their new found lane only to swerve back. Repeat this about 10 times until you pass them and flip them the bird.

"The uninspired large vehicle driver": This person needs to go at least 10 miles per hour below the speed limit in their oversized vehicle (of which there are many). Trust me. I'm not making this up. There was a Hummer on the way home from work today that was actually slowed to a stop at a green light. Where I grew up (New Jersey) any vehicle that drove below the speed limit that was not an ice cream truck with its bells on seriously risked getting shot at. Texans, speed the hell up.

"The (Drunk) Kamakazee": The polar opposite of the driver above, these vehicles barrel along at excessive speeds in all lanes and per Texas law must have a super-sized boat or trailer with two All Terrain Vehicles strapped to the towing hitch. Its hard to determine if the drivers are drunk or just stupid, so I can only assume its a little of both.

"The Wingman": Oddly, this is the one of the more common drivers here in Texas. These people insist on pulling up along side you in a multi-lane road and driving as if they are protecting your flank from enemy aggressors. While this technique works well in movies like Top Gun, its just annoying as hell on the road.

There you have it, Texas drivers. You need to step it up a bit before I get all New Jersey on you and put a cap in your ass.

Saturday, October 06, 2007

Er, um, what was I supposed to remember

Kind of pulled a boner yesterday, in that I showed up 1 hour early for my 830pom flight home from San Jose to Texas only to find out the flight actually left at 4 Pm. Small discrepancy in my recollection of the departure time there, I know a lot of people who get their 4s and 8s mixed up.

Typically in these kinds of situations, God takes the opportunity to smote me for the many, mnay wicked things I've done. Usually its in grand fashion too, involving all kinds of travel hi-jinks such as a finding the only hotel with availabilty is the local crack house complete with multiple drug busts during the stay. Ah theres nothing like the soothing rhythm of gunfire to lull you off to a sleepy wonderland)

Surprisingly God didn't punish me this time, as the ticket lady actually broke the rules (despite getting literally a constant, in your face lecture from her co-worker on how she should not go out of her way to help me, must be part of their customer service training manual) to get me on a flight to Denver, where I spent the night at a decent hotel and am catching the flight home early today.

Hurray for people who don't give a shit about their co-workers opinion!

Which raises a thought - maybe we should add "Tell your co-workers to F*** off day" the list of Hallmark holidays. We can spend the day airing grievances against each other and maybe work in some mud wrestling or fights wearing those big puffy sumo suits.

I'll work on some greeting cards to get it rolling.

Thursday, October 04, 2007

Hey, I remember this blog

Its funny, but I lost the link to a blog of a friend of mine awhile ago that I like to read and subsequently lost the focus to build my blog. I know its as rational as forgetting to go to work because you couldn't find the keys to your car but hey I'm pretty simple minded.

Well she sent me the link to her blog, and I still have some thoughts I'd like to record and well maybe in virtual space I'll build a loyal blog reading follower base that I can leverage for personal gain at some point in the future. Combine all those things and viola! comes the insipiration to record this little diatribe a year after the last entry.

Have no fear gentle reader, I fully intend to spend the remainder of the evening coming up with something truly insipirational to post here. Unless I lose the link to my friends blog again, that is.